I’m not sure why I can’t ever stay mad at anyone for longer than an hour due to feeling guilty because I hate being on ends with the few people I do have in my life. No matter what the reason, I always end up beating myself up for it. And recently it seems I’ve had this issue with every person in my life and it’s got me thinking, if you’re supposed to eliminate the negative out of your life the people in my life should eliminate me. I am the negative in their lives and I am the negative in my life. But I can’t seem to eliminate myself. I’m just so confused about my life and who’s there for me and who’s after me and I’m told that growing up is confusing but for some reason my thought process isn’t programmed correctly. It’s disappointing to admit that your life is something you can’t control but at this point I’m making myself feel crazy because I can’t stop isolating myself from the world, I just can’t be around people. I’m so ashamed of myself, if I don’t want to be around me why would other people. I don’t want to admit defeat to my brain, I wanted to overcome depression on my own. I wanted to be the one who slays this monster but how many more years am I going to waste letting my past keep me from living my life and letting situations out of my control set me back. Everytime something bad happens I lose my progress and start all over.
I contemplate my end, I count up all my friends, Weigh out the pros and cons, Who’s going to miss me when I’m gone?